Truth is, you could let it all affect you. Allow yourself to stay in a million pieces on the floor, cursing the world for causing you so much pain. Holding grudges and growing colder and more jaded. You could. People I find, aren’t like tattoos. They aren’t bound to you, no matter the promises they’ve spoken. Nor are they perfect beings, mistakes will be made. Despite whatever happens to you, or whomever, you have the option to let it ruin you, or evolve.
I dreamed of you last night, of the ending I assumed we’d eventually reach. Face to face, heart to heart. You screamed at me, and I screamed back. Between the both of us, we cried enough tears to fill an ocean. However, afterwards, we finally saw each other again. The two kids who used to write letters and put them under a rock when the other was grounded. Two crazy girls in the rain holding onto each other because I was leaving on vacation. The friend who streaked through the sprinklers and neighborhood with me. Remember being as free as a bird? Drinking Coca-Cola, dancing at classic skating, playing soccer, mowing lawns, going to the mall, getting my nose pierced.. you were there for it all.
I didn’t value you when you were in my life. Well, not much as I could’ve. But to be fair, you didn’t value me either. It was hard for me to put energy into caring when you were so distant and caught up in yourself. Two weeks to reply to a text message? Really? You are right though, I never asked about your day. Never checked on you after the weekend to make sure you didn’t drink too much. Losing you made me realize so much. When I missed you most my head would flood with forgotten memories we had when we were kids. Reminding me that you were my New Year’s Eve kiss way before I ever had someone in the picture. I pushed you away first.
I loved you then, and I still love you now, truly. Recently, in a very low place, I reached out. I guess somehow, I assumed you still cared. You replied with silence, even though I know you saw my message. You couldn’t have said I don’t care if you die tomorrow, any louder than you had then. You value your new stone-cold persona, I see how you boast about it on all your social media. Never needing anyone, a girl with a heart of ice.. You aren’t fooling me, I know deep down you still cry yourself to sleep. Probably more now than you ever had before. Do the pills help rectify the pain you’ve allowed yourself to drown in? The alcohol?
In a way, I’m glad you rejected me. You are beyond my help, and I would’ve just tried to fix you. The toxic cycle beginning yet again. You taking, and I giving. I refuse to wallow in self-pity. To fall far enough to allow pain to consume me in entirety. No, I will not become you. As sad as it is to watch you mold yourself into stone, I will move on peacefully.
I hope one day you’ll grow tired of that mask, and have the same realization of us that I had. When the day comes that you miss me, I’ll welcome you with open arms. My heart though thoroughly scarred, will always have a place for you. For now, you’ll remain a stranger with all of my secrets.
Not every ending to a relationship deserves a happy end. And closure isn’t promised to be a perfectly tied bow with all ends neatly met. Sometimes it just fucking hurts, and ends unfairly. When we feel lowest, we’ll poke at it because we want it to be okay again. It’s okay that it isn’t. Every wound requires recovery time. You have choices... My lost friend, my first love, I choose to heal from you.
I’ll just love you from a distance.